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Nothing spreads you thinner than trying to please everyone. Here's how to let yourself off the hook in 6 common scenarios.
Scenario 1
Request: A friend asks for a loan.
Say: "I wish I could, but as a rule, I don't lend money to friends."
Why it works: It's clear that you're not singling out this person as untrustworthy.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: Lending any amount of money can change your relationship if the person doesn't pay you back.
How to avoid the situation: Never lend money to friends and you won't get a reputation as a walking, breathing ATM.
Say: "I wish I could, but as a rule, I don't lend money to friends."
Why it works: It's clear that you're not singling out this person as untrustworthy.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: Lending any amount of money can change your relationship if the person doesn't pay you back.
How to avoid the situation: Never lend money to friends and you won't get a reputation as a walking, breathing ATM.
Scenario 2
Request: A coworker wants you to chip in $25 for a gift for a colleague you wouldn't recognize at the watercooler.
Say: "I've never really had a conversation with Sam. I think I'll just wish him a happy birthday."
Why it works: The person taking donations may have no idea how close you are with the recipient. By clarifying your relationship—and emphasizing your intention to befriend the person—you appear thoughtful, not cheap.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: A gift isn't a gift if it's an obligation.
How to avoid the situation: Circulate a card before someone can break out the gift-donation plate.
Say: "I've never really had a conversation with Sam. I think I'll just wish him a happy birthday."
Why it works: The person taking donations may have no idea how close you are with the recipient. By clarifying your relationship—and emphasizing your intention to befriend the person—you appear thoughtful, not cheap.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: A gift isn't a gift if it's an obligation.
How to avoid the situation: Circulate a card before someone can break out the gift-donation plate.
Scenario 3
Request: You're asked to coordinate the bake sale—again—at your child's school.
Say: "I know I'm going to disappoint you, but I've decided not to volunteer this year, because I fear I'll end up feeling resentful. Is there any way to get other parents to step up?"
Why it works: Often people feel manipulated into doing something. By addressing the pattern of one person doing all the work, you sidestep the manipulation.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: You've done your fair share.
How to avoid the situation: Encourage school leaders to present the problem to all the parents. If people know an important program may fail, they'll usually remedy the situation.
Say: "I know I'm going to disappoint you, but I've decided not to volunteer this year, because I fear I'll end up feeling resentful. Is there any way to get other parents to step up?"
Why it works: Often people feel manipulated into doing something. By addressing the pattern of one person doing all the work, you sidestep the manipulation.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: You've done your fair share.
How to avoid the situation: Encourage school leaders to present the problem to all the parents. If people know an important program may fail, they'll usually remedy the situation.
Scenario 4
Request: You're invited to a distant relative's Lobster Luau—for the 14th year.
Say: "I've had fun in the past, but I can't make it this year. That week is packed for me."
Why it works: Your explanation doesn't sound like a personal rejection. And you've asked for understanding, based on your need to take stress out of your schedule.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: You have only so much free time.
How to avoid the situation: In a note, thank the relative for thinking of you and explain that because you tend to be busy at this time of year, he should feel free to take you off his invite list.
Say: "I've had fun in the past, but I can't make it this year. That week is packed for me."
Why it works: Your explanation doesn't sound like a personal rejection. And you've asked for understanding, based on your need to take stress out of your schedule.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: You have only so much free time.
How to avoid the situation: In a note, thank the relative for thinking of you and explain that because you tend to be busy at this time of year, he should feel free to take you off his invite list.
Scenario 5
Request: Your boss asks you to supervise the intern—last seen with her iPod on, Gameboy in hand.
Say: "That's an interesting project. I'm really busy with the ABC assignment right now, so let me know if you want me to re-prioritize."
Why it works: Asking your boss to prioritize tasks means you don't have to actually say no. If she tells you to squeeze the new task in, do it. But keep a list of the extra work you've done—for your next review.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: You have enough work to do as it is.
How to avoid the situation: Ask your boss for a meeting. Explain that added assignments are making it hard to do your primary job properly. Ask if she wants to review your job description (and renegotiate your salary while she's at it).
Say: "That's an interesting project. I'm really busy with the ABC assignment right now, so let me know if you want me to re-prioritize."
Why it works: Asking your boss to prioritize tasks means you don't have to actually say no. If she tells you to squeeze the new task in, do it. But keep a list of the extra work you've done—for your next review.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: You have enough work to do as it is.
How to avoid the situation: Ask your boss for a meeting. Explain that added assignments are making it hard to do your primary job properly. Ask if she wants to review your job description (and renegotiate your salary while she's at it).
Scenario 6
Request: A guest offers to bring her seven-layer dip to your party. It doesn't go with the Greek theme you've planned.
Say: "What a kind offer—thank you. I've already planned the menu, but do you have any dietary restrictions?"
Why it works: By acknowledging her generosity, you let her know she did all she could. Of course, if the person has dietary restrictions that make cooking difficult for you, let her bring a dish.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: The person is likely offering just to be courteous.
How to avoid the situation: When you invite people, ask if there is anything they don't eat, because you want to make sure your menu works for everyone. Emphasize the word menu, so people know you have a plan for the meal.
Say: "What a kind offer—thank you. I've already planned the menu, but do you have any dietary restrictions?"
Why it works: By acknowledging her generosity, you let her know she did all she could. Of course, if the person has dietary restrictions that make cooking difficult for you, let her bring a dish.
Why you shouldn't feel guilty: The person is likely offering just to be courteous.
How to avoid the situation: When you invite people, ask if there is anything they don't eat, because you want to make sure your menu works for everyone. Emphasize the word menu, so people know you have a plan for the meal.
Copyright 2008 Time Inc. REAL SIMPLE is a registered trademark of Time Inc. Used with permission.
©ConAgra Foods, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Start Making Choices does not provide medical advice.
Information is intended for educational purposes only. See additional information.
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