Marla the Blogger

I saw an article today about an unusual threat to a mom's self-esteem: a helpful dad. It surprised me to read that. Don't all moms want assistance from their partners in caring for their children? Turns out that we do, but we often complain that dad isn't doing it right (which really means not our way) and the more successful he at it, the worse we feel about ourselves. I've never experienced this feeling exactly, although when my son was younger, I did sometimes feel a little left out because my son is so attached to my husband.

Part of it has to do with social expectations of parents' roles. In general, society still expects mom to successfully manage her mom duties (even when she works full time) so her accomplishments often go unrecognized. Dads, on the other hand, are still not expected to do as much child-caring on the whole, so we tend to praise them more for "helping" with their children. Of course, in my opinion this mindset is old-fashioned; parents should be expected to have equal responsibility for their children. But you can't easily undo years and years of expectations. However, there are ways that you can't try to mitigate these feelings of inadequacy.

If you're a mom, don't think that dad's success with caring for the children means you're not a good mom. Appreciate the fact that you have a partner who wants to be as involved with your children as you do. If you're a dad, give mom positive feedback about what a good job she's doing. No matter how competent and together she seems, she may be having moments of self-doubt. When I was feeling a little down about not being my son's best buddy, my husband reminded me that no matter what, I'll always be his mom, and a good one at that. Dad might be the fun one, but our son is scared or upset, there is no substitute for mommy. My husband and I try to remember to compliment each other on our parenting skills. Some thanks and encouragement can definitely go a long way. 

My son is not quite 4 years old yet, but an article I read the other day about how much "screen" time kids have caught my eye. A recent study found that children 8 years old and up spend an average of almost 8 hours a day using electronic devices including computers, televisions and internet-enabled phones. I was stunned by that statistic, along with the fact that 70% of kids have televisions in their bedrooms.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal, electronic devices are a big part of our daily lives, if it weren't for the growing increase in childhood obesity. What concerns me is how much physical activity may be replaced with screen time. Also, what children are being exposed to on television and online is troubling to me. If kids are spending almost 8 hours a day with computers, television, video games, etc. it would obviously be impossible for any parent to be able to monitor what they were viewing at all times.

My husband and I are definitely on the lower end of the high-tech scale. We both use computers at work and home, but have only basic cell phones and only one 13 year-old television in the house. Neither one of us plays video games. Sometimes I'm torn between limiting my son's use of technology and encouraging him to use it more so he isn't too far behind his peers as he gets older. Electronic devices will definitely be a big part of his environment when he is an adult. Hopefully, we'll be able to find a balance in raising him so that he can use technology to his advantage without being plugged into it all the time.

I may have mentioned recently that we signed our son up for soccer this fall. We thought he'd enjoy it and it would be a nice introduction to organized sports for him. So far he seems to like it, although he usually spends more time pretending to be a train than actually participating in the games, but I still wonder whether we did the right thing by signing it up. I've seen several headlines touting how kids are "overscheduled" being shuttled from one activity to the next and how it can cause them stress. I don't want to do that to my son. But today I read an article that suggests that kids actually do well when they're involved in multiple activities.

Interestingly, kids involved in several activities fare quite well emotionally, while other kids involved in very few or no activities actually have problems with low self-esteem. As it turns out, children do fine when they have multiple interests, it's the parents who often suffer from having to cart their kids from one activity to the next. I know from my brief experience so far, it's sometimes a challenge to get my son where he needs to be two nights a week for soccer. I can't imagine how parents with more than one child or one child in several different activities manage it.

So, how can you help your child have fun and participate in activities without stressing you both out? Here are a few ideas:

• Consider not just what the activities are, but where and when they are. Try to pick activities that are closer to home and don't monopolize ALL of your family time.
• Work with your child to try to figure out what the really enjoy. Don't sign them up for activities just because it's something you enjoyed as a child or only because "everyone else" is participating.
• Coordinate with other parents to share rides and carpool when possible to give yourself (and them)a break.
• Make sure you have at least one or two nights a week without activities scheduled, so your kids can just hang out and play and you can take a break, too.

I'm sure as my son gets older, he'll want to participate in more activities, and I'll want him to as well. But I also know as a working mom, placing more demands on my schedule is difficult. I think, though, with some planning and balance, he can enjoy a few activities without stressing us all out.