Marla the Blogger

This month I saw that Start Making Choices has an article called "How to Be Nice". It has some good suggestions in it and I was reminded of some things I try to do (but sometimes forget) and read some new ideas I hadn't considered before. I'm always looking for ways to be nice. Not because it's difficult or anything, but I think sometimes I get so busy and wrapped up in my own head that I don't always take the opportunity to show a little extra kindness to others.

In addition to the excellent list of ways to be nice in the article, here are a few others that I try to incorporate whenever I can:

• Say "please", "thank you", "you're welcome" and "pardon me" liberally. It might seem like an obvious way to be nice, but I notice that frequently people forget to be polite and I think it makes a positive difference when you remember.
• Loan books, music and movies out without strings attached. When a friend mentions a movie I have that they've been wanting to see or shows interest in a book I've read, I load it to them, even if they haven't asked. And I don't hound them to return it. If I get it back great; if they pass it onto someone else to enjoy, that's fine, too.
• Extend a last-minute invitation. It seems like it sometimes takes forever to make plans to get together with friends. But often we find ourselves with a free evening or decide spur of the moment to go to the zoo or something. Recently I've been calling friends last minute to see if they'd like to come over for dinner that night or go on an outing with us later in the day. Of course people can't always join us with that late notice, but frequently they can and are happy to be invited. If you have a free evening and are just hanging out at home, odds are one of your friends is doing the same and might enjoy your company.

I remember reading an article a few months ago about how happiness can be contagious, which makes sense to me. But I was surprised to discover another study that found that loneliness can be contagious, too. As it turns out, as we start to withdraw from those around us when we're feeling lonely, we pass on our feelings of isolation and, by removing ourselves from contact with others, we leave them without as many friends. That can cause them to start feeling isolated or lonely, too.

At first this idea seemed strange to me, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I have a friend who almost always declines social invitations. I don't know if he does it necessarily because he's lonely, but he rarely gets together with friends anymore. I know our other friends have stopped inviting him to anything because he hardly ever shows up and they take it personally that he always declines. So if he wasn't feeling lonely before, he certainly may be now that he's getting fewer and fewer social invitations.

And it can work the other way; I know sometimes I get discouraged when my husband and I have planned a gathering and only a few people are able to come. This then makes us less likely to want to host a party in the future. But as the article mentions, it isn't about having a lot of friends, but having a few really good ones. The key is feeling a real connection with others, so you're less likely to feel lonely. Next time I'm starting to feel a little isolated or lonely, I'm going to try to reach out more to friends instead of withdrawing. Not only is it good for my well-being, it may help my friends feel less lonely themselves, too.

Holiday season is coming up and we're starting to make plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. As our son gets older, he gets more and more excited about the holidays. And this is the first year that he really remembers the holidays from last year, which makes it more fun for all of us. I'm excited to share our holiday traditions with him and create some new ones with him.

Traditions can be very enjoyable to share with your family, but what if you don't really have any traditions? Or what if your traditions aren't really that fun, but you keep doing them because you've always done them? I say just make some new ones. For years in my husband's family, everyone bought presents for everyone else. That meant we had to buy gifts for his parents, grandparents, his two siblings and their spouses. Every year we stressed about how to afford to buy so many presents and what to get everyone. Every year it took hours to get through the opening of the presents, and it left most of us feeling drained and overwhelmed. After a few years of lobbying, I finally convinced them that we should start a new tradition. So instead, we draw names and each buy a present for only one person. And we also each buy one exepensive, fun present or gag gift and have a "white elephant" exchange.  Now the opening of presents is more fun and doesn't consume the entire day. And the pressure is off of everyone to spend a lot of money. This is the fourth year of our new tradition and everyone looks forward to it.

So many traditions for the holidays involve food; if you're trying to minimize that, why not start a new tradition that incorporates exercise? When my husband and I lived in Colorado, we used to go snowboarding on Christmas morning and then go home for dinner in the evening and presents. The slopes were typically empty in the morning and we felt better about eating a big meal after we had been so physically active. Lots of cities have Thanksgiving Day races. Maybe you could start a new tradition and walk or run in a race with your family on turkey day.

Traditions should be fun and meaningful for the people who participate in them. Don't be afraid to change traditions that fall short of that. And come up with some new traditions that your whole family enjoys. You might be surprised at how quickly and easily they embrace a new tradition.