Marla the Blogger

Right after I wrote my post last week about my own insecurity about my less-than-stellar housekeeping, I found this article called "Sometimes more mess means less stress."  The timing was perfect. I've always been, well, a slob, but lately it's weighed on my mind more heavily and I feel like I've had a harder time dealing with it. 

I've always been a slob, even as a child. My husband, however, is naturally a more neat person, or at least he was before I corrupted him. When we moved in together I told him in my opinion, we could either spend most of our little free time cleaning the apartment, or we could live with a messy place and spend our time doing other things that we actually enjoy. He opted for the more messy place and better use of our free time.

Now, though, things have changed.  For one, we have a 2 year old living with us who is constantly creating additional messes. And our apartment is a lot smaller than our last house, so even little messes seem much bigger because there's hardly any open space. Add to that the fact that my husband's commute to work typically takes almost 3 hours out of his day every day so our "free" time has dwindled a lot, and it's easy to see why our place is far messier than it's ever been before.

 But reading the article helped put things in perspective for me. A few of the highlights:

• Sometimes it's less about the mess and more about control. This is probably true for me. Why is the mess bothering me now, when I've been like this my whole life? Maybe it has more to do with the other circumstances in my life I feel like I don't have control over (our move last year, my husband's long commute, our small place, etc.).
• Learn to tolerate a certain amount of mess. It's unrealistic to try to achieve a spotless house at all times, and you may drive yourself crazy if you spend every moment trying to make or keep your place clean. Maybe I've just surpassed my usual tolerance level and just need to try to achieve and maintain a slightly less messy, but not spotless, existence.
• Focus on the "beauty" that can be found in disorder. My son's messes are actually the remnants of his "projects" that he works on to help him figure out the world. It may look to me like just a pile of cups and spoons on the living room floor, but for him, it's the makings of a symphony orchestra. Maybe I can incorporate more clean up "games" as part of his play.

I know my house will never spotless; it's just not in my nature to be that neat. But if I can stop criticizing myself for my housekeeping and find the level of mess I can deal with and be comfortable with, I know I'll be a lot happier.

I'm embarrassed to tell this story, but I think I should share it with you, so here it goes. The other night I was going out for dinner with some of my mom friends. My friend Michelle picked me up and then we went to pick up Ann.  Ann's husband wasn't home yet, so we hung out at her house until he got home to watch their daughter. She was a little frazzled due to a bad day and her house was, well, quite a mess.

Anyway, we went to dinner and met up with the rest of our party and had a lovely time. After dropping Ann off, Michelle was driving me home and we were talking about Ann. Out of the blue I made a really snarky comment about her house. I said something like, "Can you believe what a wreck her house was? Wow, it was way worse than mine ever gets" or something similarly terrible.

So when we got back to my place, without even thinking, I invited Michelle in to hang out for a bit. And as soon as we walked in the door, I remembered that my own place was a mess. Dirty dishes were piled up on the counter, toys were scattered everywhere and the bathroom was completely gross. And as embarrassed as I was about the state of my apartment, what was even MORE embarrassing was that I had just said something about Ann's house. As soon as we walked in I said, "Holy cow, I can't believe I had the nerve to criticize Ann's house. That was really the pot calling the kettle black. My place is just as bad!"

Michelle and I laughed about my stupid comment and how messy my place was and it was fine. But I did feel really bad about it. I can't believe I was so arrogant and just plain thoughtless to comment about Ann's place like that, even if I didn't say it directly to her. I mean, this woman works and has a small child and faces the same challenges and responsibilities I do. Even if my place were immaculate compared to hers (which trust me, it's not) who am I to pass judgment like that?

I think we all feel inadequate sometimes and it's tempting to compare ourselves to others and try to feel superior in some way. But our success shouldn't be measured by other people's failure; that's no way to really be happy in the long run. And I think that's exactly what I was doing. I feel lousy sometimes because our apartment is never as clean as it should be, but instead of trying to deal with that head on, or just accepting the fact that my place will never be as neat as I'd like, I was trying to make myself feel better by putting someone else down. That's not how I want to be, especially about a friend and fellow working mom.

So even though I was horrified when Michelle saw my place, I'm really glad I invited her in and she got to see what a wreck it was. It was a good lesson in humility for me. Hopefully I'll remember it next time I'm tempted to be critical of someone else and I'll stop and think before I say something I may regret later.

I realized the other day that it's been more than 6 months since I started the Start Making Choices program. I was wondering if I've made any headway in my journey towards a more balanced life. I feel like I'm dealing with stress better, and I've been pretty consistent in taking more time for myself, but I wanted a more definite measure of my progress. So I retook the BLI survey on the website and I'm happy to report that I'm now "Making Progress Towards Balance." I was glad to see some improvement, especially since when I first took the survey I was only at "Get Ready for a More Balanced Lifestyle."

Oddly enough, even though I've been working hard on wellness and (obviously) blogging about it, my highest score is in nutrition. My activity and wellness scores both improved, but my nutrition score is significantly higher than the others.  I'm not completely surprised; my nutrition score was the highest the first time I took the survey, too. But when I was reviewing it this time, I wondered, how is it I'm doing so well with nutrition? What am I doing right in that area of my life that I can learn from to help my activity and wellness?

My overall approach to nutrition hasn't always been like it is now. When I was in high school and college, I had poor eating habits and didn't really pay attention to whether I made healthy choices or not. I'm fortunate that I'm tall and tended not to put on much weight back then, so I wasn't concerned about it at the time. But after college, two things changed.  First, I got older and my metabolism slowed down, so I started noticing more changes in my body when I didn't eat right.  Second, my husband (who was at that time, my boyfriend) became concerned about his own eating habits after his father had a heart attack. We both agreed that we needed to make good nutrition a priority and help each other make healthy choices. That was well over 10 years ago and today, balanced nutrition is just a part of our daily lives.

It's taken time, but we've both developed good eating habits and now it's almost second nature for both of us. I think the key with our approach to nutrition is that it didn't happen overnight; we've been working on it for years.  Also, the fact that we work on it together is a huge help. We are both committed to maintaining balanced nutrition and support each other's efforts. And we both realize that it's a lifestyle, not just a one-time goal to reach and then stop. Maintaining balance is something to work on throughout your whole life, not just to abandon once you make it to a specific milestone.

So, as I continue to work on my activity and wellness, I'm going to try to remember that it takes time. The progress I've made over the last 6 months is good, and I can't expect everything to change overnight. Developing good habits takes practice until they are ingrained as part of your daily life. And I'm going to continue to look to others to help support me in my efforts. I talked to my husband and we agreed to try to work on activity more together, just like we work on nutrition together. I'm also going to recruit some of my mom friends to join me in my efforts to improve my wellness.  How are you doing with your journey towards a more balanced lifestyle? Have you rechecked your BLI score lately?