Marla the Blogger

I was talking to one of my coworkers the other day about my frustration at looking for a preschool for my son. He'll be three soon and I thought it would be easier when he got older because we'd have more options for where to take him for childcare. Turns out, that's not exactly the case. It's true that there are more options, but the problem is so few of them have extended hours that go long enough for parents who work full time every day. A lot of them only have half-day programs or their "full day" option ends at 3:00. This coworker is also a full-time working mom, with two kids in elementary school.  I asked her how she manages to work full-time and coordinate her kids care all by herself and she told me something I hadn't really considered: you can't do it without help.

In her situation, her mom works part-time and meets her kids at the bus stop after school and watches them until my friend gets home from work. In the summer she sends them to day camp (which ends at 4:00) and her mom picks them up and takes them to her house. I wondered what I will do when my son gets older to fill the gap between school and when I'm off of work (we don't have family that close) and she told me, "well, you need to get to know other families in your neighborhood." When she was a kid, her mom had an arrangement with a stay-at-home mom in down the street and she and her sister went over there every day after school until her mom got home from work.

To be honest, the thought of working out an arrangement like this intimidates me. It's not that I don't trust other people with my son; he's been in daycare full-time since he was three months old. It's more that I'm terrible about asking other people for help. Even though I know if I had some kind of arrangement and was compensating someone financially for their assistance, I'd still feel like I was imposing on them. But I'm realizing that I need to be better about finding support when I need it. Even if I have a reliable after school program for my son when he's older, things like snow days and other unforseen problems can happen and I need to start thinking about back up plans. And working moms aren't the only ones who need support; I know some of my stay-at-home mom friends who've needed childcare help when they've had doctor's appointments or other things during the day.

I guess because up until this point, my husband and I have managed our son and his care primarily on our own, I didn't consider that in some ways it could get harder as he gets older for us to do everything ourselves. There are going to be things like transportation to soccer practice after school we're going to have to figure out. If we're both going to continue to work full-time, we're going to have to learn how to ask for help and find support from our friends, family, and maybe even neighbors and other people in our community.

I've hinted around about this in previous posts, but I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't love my job. Most days, I don't even really like my job. It started in the right direction when I was hired over four years ago, but over time has become more and more technical and less creative. When I look at what I'm doing now versus what I want to be doing long term, I'm disappointed. In addition, my job can be very stressful and the volume of work I have to do is steadily increasing, with no end in sight. If the economy were different, I would probably be looking for another job at this point. But with how tight things have gotten in terms of hiring, and the fact that it may even get worse before it gets better, it's probably not a good time for me to look for something else. So, if I'm going to stay where I am, I need to figure out a way to be as happy as I can with my job. I don't want to spend all day every day at work being miserable, so I've come up with some ideas to help change my attitude about my job:

• Focus on what I do like - there are several people I work with who are smart and fun and generally nice to be around. I'm going to try to maximize my time with them and minimize my interactions with people who are negative and difficult to work with.
• Do what I can to help others - I'm not the only one at work who is less-than satisfied with the job. I'm going to help out my co-workers whenever I can and hopefully improve the overall atmosphere at the office.
• Find a mental "out" - here's something I've discovered: it's easier to work at a job you don't love if you feel like you have a way out, even if you never take it. The thought of being stuck somewhere without any way to leave is depressing. Since it's unlikely I could leave and get a job somewhere else right now, I'm going to focus on putting extra money in savings. I probably won't be able to save enough that I could actually quit if I wanted, but at least it I'll feel like I'm working towards more financial security. And maybe I could do something like reduce my hours at work.

I'm not going to waste a lot of energy complaining about my job. I know a lot of people are losing their jobs right now and would be happy to have any work, so I shouldn't take mine for granted. But I also can't pretend to absolutely love what I do when I know it's not the right fit for me. With a little adjustment in my attitude, though, I think I can focus on what's postitive about my job and figure out a way to make it work for me.

One of the hardest things about being a working mom for me is feeling like I don't get to spend enough time with my son. Weekdays are the hardest; with everything we have to do in the morning to get out the door on time and then in the evening to get everybody fed and in bed, it feels like I don't get enough quality time with him. I was also disappointed when we moved a few months ago because I traded a commute that was ten minutes at most to one that's at the very least 20 minutes, and that's on a good day. And because my son is in daycare near my office, I drop him off and pick him up everyday, so his commute got longer, too. I feel bad because I have so little time with him during the week, and 40 minutes to an hour of that is wasted sitting in the car.

The other day, though, I realized that our time in the car together isn't really wasted. In the mornings, we sing songs together and look for trains on the railroad bridges we pass. My son points to everything asking, "What's that?" or "What's that do?" and "Why?" and I answer every question he asks, even when he asks the same ones over and over each day. On the way home, we talk about what he did at "school" that day and discuss what we're having for dinner and what he wants to play with when we get home. Now that the weather is getting better, a few times we've gone to a park nearby. We get time to play together outside and when we start the drive home, traffic has usually let up and it's a faster ride home.

Of course, even though I try to make the best of our time together in the car, it can't all be great. The times when we're stuck in traffic for an hour and my son is screaming and throwing a tantrum, as toddlers tend to do, isn't exactly what I'd call "quality". But even the bad moments can turn into something to remember. Yesterday my son was hollering that he wanted milk and I was tired of calmly telling him for the umpteenth time that we didn't have any and we'd get some when we got home, I finally gave up and said, "Okay, let me just pull some out of my ear for you." He completely cracked up when I said that and we laughed the rest of the way home about it.

Obviously, I'd like to spend more time with my son, especially meaningful time. And whenever I can, I'll make time to do special things, like take trips as a family or take a day off just to be together. But since that can't always happen as often as I'd like, I'm going to take whatever time we have each day and make the most of it.